It means 'Listener'

2/26/2018

My name is Samantha, & I am an opinionated person.  Though I am reserved, I have a lot to say.  When I retell stories, I usually go into great detail, testing the patience of my friends & loved ones as I do my best to describe every little piece of whatever event or dream it is that exists in my memory.  I like to think of myself as an open-minded and patient individual, but I, like so many other human beings, find myself more often than not falling into the habit of talking about myself.  Let me indulge in that statement for a moment and explain further. 

  I have not always been sociable.  I think that my constant flow of conversation might have developed into a nervous tick over the course of the last six years or so.  All throughout growing up, I loved performing, but I was intensely introverted.  In high school, instead of going off with friends at lunch, I would go to the art room and paint.  Or do schoolwork.  Or write.  Other times, when I didn't feel like being sociable, I would bury my nose in a book and pretend that I was Belle from 'Beauty & the Beast', a dreamer who wasn't quite understood by the people around her.  I was made to feel awkward by my peers at a young age, and that sensation stuck with me for a very long time.  Sure, I had my very close friends, but found myself ostracized more often than not, and so I liked to keep to myself for the most part.  As I got older, situations changed, I found groups of people I felt I could be myself with, and things got better.  A lot better.  Theater became my happy place.  And once I started performing professionally, I was forced to come out of my shell even more, for the sake of my job.  I regularly moonlighted as a social butterfly.  I had to be.  As the sole female in a cover band for years, it's hard to blend in, and alarms would sound from every direction if I dared to show fatigue or become quiet around others.  I would find fans of the band, though absolutely wonderful and interesting people themselves, would constantly brush off my inquiries about their own lives and delve deeper into questions about mine.  Even though I no longer perform with that band, I still find myself from time to time going into autopilot when I'm in larger groups, reciting my busy life schedule and clamoring on about whatever I think it is they want to hear from me. 

  The reason why I am confronting this attitude, is because I want to take a step back from it.  I want to return to my roots, close my mouth, and open my ears again.  Though it came from an environment of suppression, I later discovered that I feel safe when I am quiet.  I felt comfortable, and I am able to process my own thoughts before the next one takes over.  I want to get out of my own head and wrap myself up in the lives of others, whether it be through observation or interaction.  I want to listen to not only people, but everything in the world around me.  Life is so much more than the all-consuming heaviness that seems to envelop your life when all you sleep, eat and breathe is your own problems.  Your own drama.  Your own life.

  My name is Samantha.  It means 'Listener' in Aramaic.  From now on, I am going to try to live up to my namesake.